You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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