Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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