so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
