So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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