I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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