I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
