my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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