I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you didnt know i had herpes?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
