I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
