your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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