I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
