his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
