What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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