There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
