I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
