last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
