i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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