Pappa wants mamma naked
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
