Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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