we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
