I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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