You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I had to cum in my sink.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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