I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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