Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
