she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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