I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
