Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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