I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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