morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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