And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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