It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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