i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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