I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Randomize
