Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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