U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
