just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
