Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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