i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
