just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
