Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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