He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
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Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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