Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
