he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
