the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The uberlube is also flammable
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
