dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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