I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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