last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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