if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
