i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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