Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
