I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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