I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
