got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
