I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
