Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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