So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
