i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
