I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
