READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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