also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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