i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
