Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
