New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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